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Oct. 11th, 2005 @ 03:50 am
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It has been a long time coming but I do not think I will be writing in here anymore. There's a few reasons, some valid, some not but I will not list them.
It was fun while it lasted.
I will still leave my account open and up so that I can keep all of my old writings. Maybe one day I will start it all up again.nothing left [to feel] :  crushed |
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Don't you worry,
they won't find my body
I want you to know
I found peace in another world
why try? honestly. why?
is interaction with other humans always going to be one step forward and two steps back? and is this our destiny? to run forward through time at breakneck speed just to realize that in the end all we have become are glorified animals intent upon our own individual survival to the exclusion of all else, especially reason?
trash. trash. trash.
what's sad is that it's no fault but mine, mine, yours, and everyone else's. i've created the situation by giving what i should not have in the beginning. we all created this monster and we're all to blame. society demands things go a certain way and then when it's out of hand everyone is so quick to point the finger at whatever they can. as long as the finger is pointing away from ourselves.
shame.
i recognize that it's my fault. it's a shame ___ will not realize what part ___ plays and how destructive it has always been. but that's the way of things, ne?
miles away my head is underwater as well. i feel for them much like a scientist feels for a lab rat. pity mixed with disappointment.
maybe one day the wind will whip our ashes into a whirlwind of art and for once we will become beautiful.
Don't keep digging,
I want you to leave back
away from the place
where my ashes are buried
nothing left [to feel] : disappointed nothing left [to say] : another world // beborn beton |
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been awhile... and i apologize for it being so short. more to come in the future, and soon!
// Is it crime to succumb to sin
To a sin, when it looks like an angelic girl? //
How do we know what we do is right? Without the preaching, repression, and pressure of others... How do we know what is right to ourselves? Especially when we have trouble even knowing what we are and have such trouble finding ourselves, even in this day and age.
When something feels so good how can it be so wrong?
( Your.Last.Resort )nothing left [to feel] :  mellow nothing left [to say] : last resort // sub dub micromachine |
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just memories on a page inside a spiral notebook
everytime i get it i throw it away...
why is that the one thing we need we just can't have. why can't we understand anything, even ourselves? i'm tired of not knowing, not ony who i am and where i'm going, but what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it. yet that's what keeps me going. a double edge sword, hating the lack of knowledge yet craving the experience of learning it.
even at the highest times i wonder - will it get any better? grasping at the weak roots of a tiny bush hanging on the edge of a cliff. yet i don't want to give up. i can live forever here. even hanging on by a thread.
is life always going to be one dimunitive piece short of a grand puzzle?
How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see.
Forget it...
nothing left [to feel] :  blue nothing left [to say] : forget it // breaking benjamin |
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i cant sleep... and damn do i want to. just to dream.
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Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something bout blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
... no I couldn't answer
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
... i'm ascending
Blue // Cowboy Bebop OSTnothing left [to feel] :  scared nothing left [to say] : blue // cowboy bebop OST |
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i hate this. i really do. i feel nothing and yet i'll remember everything. drunk and stoned. ugh.
why do i feel like i have to drown away my feelings, my emotions... why do i feel like if i drown everything then somehow it'll be ok when i wake up.
i'm in a room full of people and yet somehow i feel so alone...
i hate this.
Jun. 18th, 2005 @ 01:11 am
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| » // let me find the words for you when you can't speak // |
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A lesson:
Let me be your armor
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armor)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armor.
there's something about being in love, being loved, and loving someone that takes you over and puts you in this warm, fuzzy, happy place you can't escape from. i hate that.
Love can be so boring... is what i once thought and i pretty much still stand behind that. what i don't understand is why something like this must take away all sense and logic from a person and make them do the stupidest things. is it possible to love someone without hurting them? ... anything is harmful in extreme doses.
alas, we are not robots. so the love/hate relationship shall continue unto death (do us part).
Let me keep you from
Experience you need
Let me bind you with my selfishness
And greed
Let me stifle you
Let me have control
Let me smother
Every aspect of your soul
so c'mon, let me be your armor.
Jun. 9th, 2005 @ 08:01 pm
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"The sound you're hearing
is the symphony of what we are.
Revelation will not come
with heart and mind closed and divided."
"Let there be, let there always be
never ending light."
May. 22nd, 2005 @ 12:55 pm
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| » // a million faces, each a million lies // |
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finally got net at the apartment. should have my own alienware pc soon... IE: 1 week if things go as planned
oh and... new VNV Nation ---
all creation has the promise of heaven
and still you travel the road to hell
I'm saying nothing for the good of myself
but I'm still talking and you're not listening
how can you be true to yourself when you can't even realize the world for what it is? false desires for false things that mean nothing to people that may even be as close as 5 feet away. fake plastic people in a fake plastic world.
a million faces, each a million lies.
if I could change your mind
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander
in desperation dreams any soul can set you free
and I still hear you scream
in every breath, in every single motion
burning innocence the fire to set you free
where ya gonna go? must all lessons be learned by self-destruction? when you're set free, arisen from the ashes of your own funeral pyre, who will you be? will you even know the person you once were and will you even like them? a loss of innocence to gain self. just like learning to walk you'll put that gun to your head and pull the trigger, not being able to help yourself. clip those wings before you fly too high or soar until you burn?
one day you'll realize you made the decision long ago...
May. 5th, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
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| » // i'm on my way back down again // |
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no net yet @ new place. so there's that.
// Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath //
oh the joy of stress. sometimes, and i know you all do as well, i feel like i'm being pulled in a million different directions at once. it's either too much to do in not enough time or too much time with not enough to do.
but hell... a slow breath and a calm song changes it all. until the end time's on our side isn't it? so all the 'nows' and the 'hurry ups' and the 'what ifs' just become pointless and obscure. it's no cause for concern.
whatever happens, happens.
maybe it's just that line of thinking that makes me such an emotional absorbant. i wonder if i'll reach the point where i can hold it all no longer?
// Stood on the edge, tied to the noose
And you came along and you cut me loose //
nah.
Mar. 27th, 2005 @ 06:08 pm
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not that it matters too much but i'm in the process of moving and i'll be without steady computer and net access for a bit.
soooooo...
be good kiddos!!
Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 12:11 pm
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Did you know...it was all going to go so wrong for you
And did you see it was all going to be so right for me
Why did we tell you then
You were always the golden boy then
And that you'd never lose that light in your eyes
Hey you...did you ever realise what you'd become
And did you see that it wasn't only me you were running from
Did you know all the time but it never bothered you anyway
Leading the blind while I stared out the steel in your eyes
The rain fell slow, down on all the roofs of uncertainty
I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me
And did you know...
I never thought that you'd lose that light in your eyes
Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 08:10 pm
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| » // you're the daylight dressed as darkest night // |
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hmm.
this is how i feel people who i love see me ...
( butterfly )
Feb. 22nd, 2005 @ 08:43 pm
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| » // i cant help the feeling i could blow through the ceiling if i just turn and run // |
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// And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time //
i'm not exactly sure what i do wrong... but then again i'm not exactly sure what i do right. what a general state of confusion we all live in. i'll weather it however. i have to. i can't even begin to think otherwise.
tears, how pathetic. i suppose i am too easily crushed.
i'm sorry. i am trying.
the thing about fire is, no matter how you cherish it, it can burn you...
Feb. 21st, 2005 @ 01:43 pm
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| » // i always tried to keep myself tied to this world // |
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hoorah!
new vnv nation single chrome released (online) 7.03 and new album, Matter+Form, out in April. can we say birthday present for me?
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i sometimes worry that these so-called accomplishments of mine are worthless. not to me, as i know what i have done and have not done and try to judge accordingly, but in the grand scheme of things. if there is a grand scheme higher than myself that is.
it's not a lack of purpose or a lack of importance... more like a lack of drive. how is life truly yours when you're forced to go through the motions, dancing like a marionette on a string, for a society that grinds individuals to dust on a daily basis? and then this line of questioning leads me to cherishing the sparks that do light my life entirely way to much so i fear of smothering them.
pleh.
also, i think i think to much.
Feb. 20th, 2005 @ 05:31 pm
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| » // and what you'll find is hate so blind // |
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is this what we have to look forward to in the coming generations?
http://www.brain-terminal.com/video/dc-2005-01-20/index.html
every day my hope in humanity dissolves a bit more...
excuse me but neo-socialism? you don't want a war against terrorism but want a civil war?
how disappointing...
Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 07:52 pm
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